Santa Letter from barbie
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being
the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to
break it to ya', Santa, but it's pay back time. There had better be
some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide
meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These
are my demands for Christmas 2001:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like
a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring
anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint
of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a
piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society
and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like
it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that
simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
* * *
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned
you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical
and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that
disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my
fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you
of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and
desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES
NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the
years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The
Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies,
evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change
our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to
complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize
with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was
my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative
nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator
Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which
could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs
and gowns),
or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my
interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under
served.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are
aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while
the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in
legal action to be taken by myself and others.
And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe... he's
mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
posted by looker13 at 12:35 AM
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